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The wait for confidence
People think of confidence as “Either you have it, or you don’t.”
Even those who know that confidence can be built, think of it as a skill.
Take Tasha for example.
Tasha believes that some people have mastered the skill of confidence, while others still need to work on it.
She feels that once she feels more confident, every other skill will become easier to learn.
When Tasha has an opportunity to speak up in a meeting, she holds herself back because she doesn’t feel confident yet. When she’s faced with a decision, she avoids making it because she doesn’t feel confident yet.
She plans to work on these skills after she becomes more confident. This way, she’ll feel less afraid to take these actions.
So Tasha waits for the day when the voices of self-doubt in her head will disappear. When she feels no fear or uncertainty.
And she waits, and waits, and waits.
In the meantime, she beats herself up for being inadequate. She envies confident people around her who are so comfortable with everything they do. And she feels frustrated with her struggle.
Confidence is an outcome
So here’s the real deal. And it’s a lot more empowering!
Confidence is neither a quality nor a skill.
It’s simply an outcome of all your other actions.
The equation is actually the reverse of what most people think.
You don’t first become confident and then take action.
You take action and as a result, you become confident!
You don’t first become confident in decision-making and then make decisions. You make decisions, over and over, and then become confident making decisions.
You don’t first become confident in playing the piano and then play the piano. You play the piano, over and over, and then become confident playing it.
So drop the idea of “I’m not a confident person”, and start taking actions to become confident in whatever is a priority for you.
Pick the skills that you want to become confident doing. Then work on building them. With time, you’ll become confident in those skills.
Here’s an example.
Linda doesn’t feel confident about reverse parking. She dreads it. If she expects to be in a situation where she has to reverse park, she tries to cancel the trip altogether. Every time she has to explain to colleagues or friends why she’s cancelling, she’s too embarrassed to admit her fear.
She recognizes that to become more confident, she has to, at the very least, attempt it a few times. She decides to try.
The first time she backs up the car, she ends up in front of another car, instead of next to it. She realizes she needs to course-correct. She tries again, but messes up again.
Passers-by now start to notice her struggle. She sees them snickering. She’s embarrassed and uncomfortable. But she still keeps trying. After a few attempts, she finally manages to get the car in the correct spot, even if it’s at a funny angle. She’s relieved.
The next time, Linda’s again stressed, but she persists. This time, she’s a little better at it. And next time, she’s again a little better than that.
After a few weeks of allowing herself to look completely foolish, Linda learns to reverse park. And she’s proud of herself!
The key is to be kind to yourself as you screw up. And to persist.
Think about this: How much will it matter to Linda that those people saw her struggle the first time? 10 years from now, will Linda care that they laughed at her? Or will she be happy with her freedom to drive wherever she pleases!
Here’s a cool infographic that’s true for any skill you want to improve at.
Practice things that you don’t feel confident doing
Here’s your new Rekindle routine for this module:
Don’t hold yourself back waiting to become confident. Act now.
Most of us have things that we want to do that we keep putting off because we don’t feel confident doing them.
Starting today, try those things. Pick activities you want to become more confident doing. Start where the stakes are small. Give yourself permission to really screw it up. Laugh at yourself for messing up so badly. And keep at it. 😊 You go, girl!
Coming up next
Tomorrow we’ll see how confident people also feel uncomfortable trying new things.
Summary
- Confidence is an outcome.
Confidence is the result of your actions. You don’t wait to become confident and then take action. You take action and as a result, you become confident.
- Practice things that you don’t feel confident doing.
Pick the skills that you want to become confident doing. Then take action to build them. With time, you’ll become confident in those skills.
- Do your daily Rekindle routine.
Don’t hold yourself back waiting to become confident. Act now.
Today, try something you don’t feel confident doing and allow yourself to fail as part of the process. Don’t feel confident negotiating at the local market? Try it, even if you’re not successful. Bravo!
Good job completing the lesson. We’ll see you here same time tomorrow.
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